Postnuptial depression may not be a clinical diagnosis, but it has entered the lexicon of marriage in the past few years, and newly hitched couples will tell you it's real. The blues typically hit early in married life, psychiatrists say, as newlyweds begin recognizing that expectations of how their partner or relationship will change postwedding are unrealistic. Worse, once the Big Day has come and gone, couples are forced to step out of their much-cherished and often long-lived "bride and groom" spotlight and just get on with real life.
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The so-called honeymoon period, say psychologists, really isn't. But so many couples buy into the myth that when they start arguing about sex, money or time — issues that all married couples battle over — it can seem catastrophic. Gannon finds herself correcting patients all the time. "Where did you get the idea that you weren't supposed to fight?" she says. "You are. It's normal." It's also normal to remain independent and to be responsible for your own happiness. [agree!!] "It's unreasonable to assume your partner is going to be everything to you," says Eagan.
Even couples who cohabit before marriage and who have presumably tempered their expectations and reconciled their petty differences are not immune to the day-after blues. "People who have been living together think they're going to feel something different once they're married," says Gannon. But there's no magical transformation that comes with signing a marriage certificate. In fact, if anything changes, it might be the couples' biology — which may only worsen postwedding blues. When people are newly in love — or feel a rekindling of love just after getting engaged — their bodies release more of the feel-good hormones dopamine and oxytocin, which stimulate bonding. But as the relationship wears on, the levels of those hormones drop. That accounts in part for the fact that "in the transition from dating sex to married sex, the interest, frequency and effort goes down," says Gannon. But having less sex precisely when couples think they should be having more is understandably stressful.
For many couples, it's not about sex or arguing; despite good sex and open communication, they still feel adrift. The problem may be that after months consumed by wedding preparations and feeling like the center of attention, the sudden shift back to everyday life can be a shock. "I put a lot of time and effort into the wedding-planning process," says Erin Hastings, 28, who got married in 2006 after an 18-month engagement. "Where do you redirect your energy once it's over?"
The answer, the Hastings learned, is to direct that energy on themselves and their marriage. "We have a date night every week, without fail," Erin says. Taking time to be with your partner and to think about each other is always important. Ideally before the wedding, Greer says, couples should take a step back and remind themselves of at least two things: the reasons their partner is the right person for them, and that their beloved's annoying little habits aren't going to disappear at "I do." [how true is that??]
After the vows, to defeat the postnuptial blues, doctors say, couples should get adequate rest and exercise; communicate constantly; focus on the benefits of marriage, like having a built-in support system; and start thinking about the future in terms of family or finance. Women should stop thinking of themselves as "the bride" and throw out those wedding magazines, then plan social events for after the honeymoon, so they have other parties to look forward to. [=)]
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