As my big birthday approaches, I cannot help but wonder, is it all downhill from here on?
I remember being really happy somewhere in my late teens, hanging out with friends, not having to rush around for this lesson or that, smelling the roses and taking in the sights. i also remember being somewhat happy in gloomy London because while the rest of the world seem to hate the gloom, i actually loved the weather. There was also a short period in California, when i didn't feel like a total recluse. I recall the Friday nights spent in clubs with the gal pals. those were happy memories.
These days, i wonder what's come over me. I prefer to stay home with the telly. I prefer to text and email instead of the good ole telephone. I don't even mind that Matt works long hours. I don't feel like baking anymore. My freezer is full of frozen dinners and ice-cream, i don't even care what size fits me nowadays. i go to work in the morning, waiting for 5pm to arrive, counting down to my next vacation.
At 30, i know that i'm not a kid anymore, no time to muck around. i have responsibilities to fulfill, promises to keep. i have people that depend or will eventually depend on me. i had a peaceful and smooth childhood. nothing major other than an almost divorce. at 18, i was even deemed to have a bright future. what happened between then and now?
i got married to an ambitious and intelligent person and ended up in a faraway land. i attempted a new career path, not by my own choice but due to circumstances. i keep getting this feeling that the job i have isn't really what i want to do, but for the money, i'll grit and bear it. My friends from school are either so far ahead in their careers, or their careers have taken a back seat because they've become super mummies. either way, they look successful and smart, and have seriously matured. me? i feel like the one left behind, living an entirely meaningless existence as a minion doing what others tell me to do.
they tell us that only the smartest people study science. triple science to be exact. but only doctors benefit from it. they tell us that arts courses are for the second-tier "normal" people who don't understand science. and commerce? that's for those students who really scored poorly in tests, you don't want to be in that category, do you? the arts students have become economists, lawyers, teachers, social workers, writers, copywriters, actresses, singers, dancers, etc. the commerce students are doing well in the finance sector as brokers, accountants, bankers, analysts etc. those who took sciences, who did not become doctors, became engineers. so cool.
I think I had a dream. I wanted to be a dancer. I was stopped because i was smart with tests. I wanted to be a dance teacher and have my own school. I didn't because i stopped dancing and went out of shape. Now i've run out of excuses. i'm 30. no more mucking around.
this year has been particularly difficult. sickness in the family, some of my closest friends have left or are planning to leave the island, deaths, a bad back, accidents. I know i should really count my blessings but i can't help feeling tested. i'm tired of having to deal with people and emotions when they're on the opposite side of the globe. i'm done with feeling guilty about leaving my responsibilities with others. i'm tired of being envious when i see my friends living the high life on facebook. i'm especially hate being treated like a 3rd class citizen. i'm tired that people makes comments on my accent and automatically assumes i'm a maid. i'm bored of living a small town life in my 20's when i have the most energy and have the capacity to do a lot more.
i just feel like i'm wasting away here. my brain is wasting away. my life is wasting away.
I remember being really happy somewhere in my late teens, hanging out with friends, not having to rush around for this lesson or that, smelling the roses and taking in the sights. i also remember being somewhat happy in gloomy London because while the rest of the world seem to hate the gloom, i actually loved the weather. There was also a short period in California, when i didn't feel like a total recluse. I recall the Friday nights spent in clubs with the gal pals. those were happy memories.
These days, i wonder what's come over me. I prefer to stay home with the telly. I prefer to text and email instead of the good ole telephone. I don't even mind that Matt works long hours. I don't feel like baking anymore. My freezer is full of frozen dinners and ice-cream, i don't even care what size fits me nowadays. i go to work in the morning, waiting for 5pm to arrive, counting down to my next vacation.
At 30, i know that i'm not a kid anymore, no time to muck around. i have responsibilities to fulfill, promises to keep. i have people that depend or will eventually depend on me. i had a peaceful and smooth childhood. nothing major other than an almost divorce. at 18, i was even deemed to have a bright future. what happened between then and now?
i got married to an ambitious and intelligent person and ended up in a faraway land. i attempted a new career path, not by my own choice but due to circumstances. i keep getting this feeling that the job i have isn't really what i want to do, but for the money, i'll grit and bear it. My friends from school are either so far ahead in their careers, or their careers have taken a back seat because they've become super mummies. either way, they look successful and smart, and have seriously matured. me? i feel like the one left behind, living an entirely meaningless existence as a minion doing what others tell me to do.
they tell us that only the smartest people study science. triple science to be exact. but only doctors benefit from it. they tell us that arts courses are for the second-tier "normal" people who don't understand science. and commerce? that's for those students who really scored poorly in tests, you don't want to be in that category, do you? the arts students have become economists, lawyers, teachers, social workers, writers, copywriters, actresses, singers, dancers, etc. the commerce students are doing well in the finance sector as brokers, accountants, bankers, analysts etc. those who took sciences, who did not become doctors, became engineers. so cool.
I think I had a dream. I wanted to be a dancer. I was stopped because i was smart with tests. I wanted to be a dance teacher and have my own school. I didn't because i stopped dancing and went out of shape. Now i've run out of excuses. i'm 30. no more mucking around.
this year has been particularly difficult. sickness in the family, some of my closest friends have left or are planning to leave the island, deaths, a bad back, accidents. I know i should really count my blessings but i can't help feeling tested. i'm tired of having to deal with people and emotions when they're on the opposite side of the globe. i'm done with feeling guilty about leaving my responsibilities with others. i'm tired of being envious when i see my friends living the high life on facebook. i'm especially hate being treated like a 3rd class citizen. i'm tired that people makes comments on my accent and automatically assumes i'm a maid. i'm bored of living a small town life in my 20's when i have the most energy and have the capacity to do a lot more.
i just feel like i'm wasting away here. my brain is wasting away. my life is wasting away.
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