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Had a hectic sorta day. ended it badly with a botched logistical arrangement. ah well, what to do, just another day here in this place, with my boxy laptop, pink cushion and bossanova music. i want to do well in my life, but what's "well"? who determines the benchmark for good and perfect? why do i always have to live by others' standards? what are my own?

sometimes, i slip into this state of mind, where i'm on auto-pilot, drifting from proj to proj, never caring what i truly think of them, or deviating from the instructions i'm given, just so that things run more smoothly, and i leave work on time, reach home to feed chewy and watch some tele and then to bed. days pass so quickly when you are not thinking.

But when you do wake up, you find yourself in a place you don't really want to be, doing something you don't find meaning in, meeting ppl you don't really want to meet, breathing when you don't wanna breathe, eating what you don't feel like eating... things just don't sit well with your system, and then you find, horrors of all horrors, you are stuck in this rut, and you've passed the point of no return, and there's just no way to climb out of this mess except accept that this mess will be what you call life, and you've got to just keep going on auto-pilot so that mind is switched off and you are numb.

Today is such a day. i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm anxious, i'm apprehensive. i want a quick resolution, whatever that may be. i don't like to be hanging in the air not knowing what to expect. i can't surprises. i wish for uplifting thoughts to fill my head, for positive feelings in my heart, for a spring in my step. i want to be happy.

Happiness is an elusive thing, when you think you've firmly grasped it in your hands, it fleets away while you were busy enjoying the moment, disappearing from your clutch as it flirts with you and teases you, undermining your confidence to regain it till you give up, thinking that you don't deserve it. then somtimes, it takes pity on you, looking at your forlorn face and sunken eyes, and it returns, but only for a moment.

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