I decided i had to vent, hence this post. remember i told you about the cold war and the long post about my mother? this is it.
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I had a long and tedious phone conversation with my dearest mother last weekend. it hasn't been easy nor comfortable talking on the phone recently with her. and it almost always leaves me drained for the day.
if emotional terrorism were a crime, she would be tried without trial and sent to the electric chair. she has the ballistics to bombard you any which way possible with the best guilt missiles and nuclear criticisms. she was the one who taught to me sarcasm. she's also the one to implant the "all-men-are-bad" mentality in my head for the better part of my 28 years.
as you all know, i've been living apart from her for a while now. i first escaped to london for 3 years, then california, and after less than 3 years in singapore, we left for bermuda. whilst living apart from her, i realised that she's not invincible. she might difficult to fend off in close proximity, but when you're thousands of miles apart, the cutting edge of her blazing sword appears to be less lethal. she is also less likely to criticize over a 30min long-distance call.
there are many things i'm thankful and eternally grateful to her for e.g. my eventful childhood, my fixation with good food and travel, not being emotionally broken after all these years...
but what scares me most, infact what most kids fear the most is the expectations of a parent. hands up those who live in constant fear that they would disappoint their parents if they were a) gay/lesbian, b) not earning as much as the neighbour's kids, c) not taking up the job their parents want them to e.g. a doctor, lawyer, CEO.... how many times were your dreams dashed by your parent saying "(insert activity here) is useless, you won't have a future! go study medicine, be an accountant. it's for your own good. you will thank me later in your life."
sound familiar? getting warmer?
my mother, the emotional tactician if ever there were such a term, uses guilt like a sword. during the hour long conversation i had with her, i was trying to set her expectations right.
background: my sister is moving to shanghai to work.
problem: my mother seems to view it as her right to keep going to shanghai to visit.
me: feeling sorry for my sister because there she is, trying to start living independently, away from home and family, and on the other hand my mother wants to visit every other month.
mum: feels that sister's stint is her ticket to frequent travel. both of us ungrateful brats should be happy she can still travel to shanghai, walk around on her own.
argh! what a guilt trip huh. couldn't get through to her. she insisted she won't be a nuisance. i suggested she go elsewhere with her friends instead of being a nuisance in shanghai. she says she will be there to help our with household chores. i told her sister can take care of herself. she said that she needs to get away from my dad. i don't know what my bedok flat is for.
i tell you, nothing i say can change her mind, like the many things she has her mind set on.
we're now not on talking terms. sigh. so much for trying to mediate. i will continue to be the bad daughter. it's ok.
____________________________
I had a long and tedious phone conversation with my dearest mother last weekend. it hasn't been easy nor comfortable talking on the phone recently with her. and it almost always leaves me drained for the day.
if emotional terrorism were a crime, she would be tried without trial and sent to the electric chair. she has the ballistics to bombard you any which way possible with the best guilt missiles and nuclear criticisms. she was the one who taught to me sarcasm. she's also the one to implant the "all-men-are-bad" mentality in my head for the better part of my 28 years.
as you all know, i've been living apart from her for a while now. i first escaped to london for 3 years, then california, and after less than 3 years in singapore, we left for bermuda. whilst living apart from her, i realised that she's not invincible. she might difficult to fend off in close proximity, but when you're thousands of miles apart, the cutting edge of her blazing sword appears to be less lethal. she is also less likely to criticize over a 30min long-distance call.
there are many things i'm thankful and eternally grateful to her for e.g. my eventful childhood, my fixation with good food and travel, not being emotionally broken after all these years...
but what scares me most, infact what most kids fear the most is the expectations of a parent. hands up those who live in constant fear that they would disappoint their parents if they were a) gay/lesbian, b) not earning as much as the neighbour's kids, c) not taking up the job their parents want them to e.g. a doctor, lawyer, CEO.... how many times were your dreams dashed by your parent saying "(insert activity here) is useless, you won't have a future! go study medicine, be an accountant. it's for your own good. you will thank me later in your life."
sound familiar? getting warmer?
my mother, the emotional tactician if ever there were such a term, uses guilt like a sword. during the hour long conversation i had with her, i was trying to set her expectations right.
background: my sister is moving to shanghai to work.
problem: my mother seems to view it as her right to keep going to shanghai to visit.
me: feeling sorry for my sister because there she is, trying to start living independently, away from home and family, and on the other hand my mother wants to visit every other month.
mum: feels that sister's stint is her ticket to frequent travel. both of us ungrateful brats should be happy she can still travel to shanghai, walk around on her own.
argh! what a guilt trip huh. couldn't get through to her. she insisted she won't be a nuisance. i suggested she go elsewhere with her friends instead of being a nuisance in shanghai. she says she will be there to help our with household chores. i told her sister can take care of herself. she said that she needs to get away from my dad. i don't know what my bedok flat is for.
i tell you, nothing i say can change her mind, like the many things she has her mind set on.
we're now not on talking terms. sigh. so much for trying to mediate. i will continue to be the bad daughter. it's ok.
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